365 : the reasons

  if i hadn't missed 2 days today would be the 80th day of project 365.  but life happens and although i'm not terribly pleased with myself for missing those days, learning to let go of my control issues has just been one of many good lessons learned so far.

there were a lot of reasons i took this project on, and in my original plans, i had intended to blog about the process.  the mistakes, the ups and downs....but again, life happens.  and i found myself barely able to keep up with posting the photos.  honestly, i couldn't imagine blogging about it regularly.  but learning to forgive myself has been another lesson altogether. 

anyway, i wanted to share my original motivations for doing this project.  midway i imagine my reasons will have changed, and in the end, well, i'm not sure how i'll feel about this come day 363...but when the times comes, i'll happily share that too.

#1- this is the last year of my 20's.  i have always had a terrible time imagining the future.  hell, even planning for it has been a major issue for me.  if you had told me 13 years ago that i would be a homeowner living in bloomington, indiana, i would have most likely laughed myself till the point of tears.  and then asked you where the hell bloomington even was.  so it's interesting that i'm here.  that i actually allowed myself to settle down, or should i say, allowed myself to settle down in my own strange way.  and this is it.  my 20's, which for the most part seemed to be full of confusion and unsteadiness are quickly coming to an end.  times up.  and for me personally, that means by this time next year, there's no more excuses.  what 30 means to me is business time.  time to make decisions, to stop fucking around.  so chronicling this part of my life that's in a way, coming to an end, seemed like an interesting endeavor.

#2- to become a better photographer.  i've always leaned more towards landscapes than portraits.  photographing people is so strange to me.  trying to capture the essence of a person in one frame is a daunting task and i admire artists that manage to accomplish that.  it's always frightened me a bit, which is something i would love to change about myself as a photographer.  i've also never had any actual training excluding one class in high school, which i loved but was too busy skipping school and partaking in my own "extracirrucular activites" to care much about.  so it's all been an experiment.  learning from mistakes and getting lucky every now and then with an image i'm pleased with.  it seemed to me that a self portrait every day would help me challenge those fears and expand my creative boundaries.

#3- forcing myself to commit to something and stick with it.  i won't go into the sordid details of my fear of commitment, but i will say that it's prevented me from stretching my boundaries and has certainly limited me as a person.  there are some days that i don't want to photograph anything, let alone myself.  but that's all part of it.  just like any practice, you must force yourself to do it even when you don't want to.  because those times are just as crucial to your development as the good times. 

my intentions for this 29th year of my life are bold, given the circumstances.  and this project is about a lot more than just a narcissistic view of myself.  it's about the growing pains and the process of self acceptance that everyone goes through, whether you're 16 or 29 or 75...it happens to us all sooner or later.